Advice: What's Better Than Sex?

Offcourse Chocolate

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/24/08

Hi Em & Lo,

I'm a 25-year-old gay guy living in NYC. I thought I'd ask for your suggestions and inputs for my blog, Better Than Sex. The premise of the blog is that I don't have sex for 100 days but for each of those days, I have to find or do something in NYC that is, you guessed it, Better Than Sex. I started it a little more than a month ago as a social experiment and a way to explore the art and cultural offerings of the city. It could be food, a play, a concert, a hobby or practically anything under the Manhattan sun. Some of the fun things that I've done so far include going on a silent date at the Cloisters; seeing Les Paul, the man who invented the electric guitar and is now 93, in concert; the chocolate cube dessert at Park Avenue Summer [pictured above]; and randomly going to City Hall to be a witness to a wedding ceremony. I just attended a cuddle party in NJ and will be going to the Russian/Turkish Baths in the East Village later this week. It would be great if you can recommend things/events that would be Better Than Sex (or really bad sex, at least!) that I can explore for my blog. Thanks very much and I hope to hear from you soon!

B.T.S. Boy


Dear B.T.S. Boy,

We love it! Here are our suggestions. We tried to keep most of them either free or at least cheap, but sometimes orgasmic-like fun costs--and unlike with sex, you can't pay in sweat.

20 THINGS THAT ARE (ALMOST) BETTER THAN SEX IN NYC...

1. Taking a Circle Line Sightseeing Cruise Around Manhattan
The 2- or 3-hour cruises will give you a view of all the NYC Waterfalls by Olafur Eliasson. We like the Harbor Lights Cruise at night--it can replace the sex with romance.

2. Riding the Staten Island Ferry
If the Circle Line is too pricey, just take the ferry there and back for similarly spectacular views for FREE. Plus, you can live out your Working Girl fantasies.

3. Sipping Overpriced Cocktails at the Mandarin Oriental
The Lobby Lounge on the 35th floor has amazing views of Central Park and the skyline. Dress to the nines and go at off-peak hours to try to get a good seat--guests get the best ones first, if not all of them. You'll feel screwed when the bill for two drinks comes to $60 bucks.

4. Being a Rockstar for Two Minutes
We're sure some famous frontman said performing in front of a live audience was better than sex--here's your chance to find out: Every Monday night Arlene's Grocery hosts Rock n' Roll karaoke with a live band backing you up.

5. Riding the Cyclone at Coney Island
That rickety, jerky, wooden nightmare will get your I'm-gonna-die adrenal pumping--and when you get off you'll feel like you've gotten off.

6. Visiting Governor's Island for Free
It's that weird military island that was empty for years, but is now open to the public every Friday, Saturday and Sunday until October 12th: You can bike ride, picnic, check out concerts and art festivals, take a tour...the ferry ride and admission to the Island are FREE!

7. Attending a Free Concert of the Music of Johnny Cash
Better to get a ring of fire this way, than through rough anal sex: The River to River Festival has a ton of FREE events, including a Cash concert on July 26th at 8pm with a bunch of artists covering songs well-known and obscure from Johnny Cash.

8. Taking Free Dance Lessons at Lincoln Center
Since you can't do the horizontal dance of love, do an upright one: From July 8-26, 2008, this outdoor dance party called "Midsummer Night Swing" features 25 theme nights--including swing, salsa, disco, funk, and more. Each evening begins with a dance lesson at 6:30 p.m. for dancers of all levels of experience. The live music begins at 7:30 p.m.

9. Taking a Helicopter Tour of Manhattan
Instead of getting blown, blow a couple hundred on a 15-minute aerial tour--the views will blow you away.

10. Attending Free Shakespeare in the Park
The Public Theater is doing Hair this summer, so maybe you can get some nudity that way. (Not sure what relationship Shakespeare had to hippie musicals.)

11. Watching Brooklyn Bridge Park's Movies with a View
They're not showing anything too sexy, but hey, they've got Cabaret on Aug 14th.

12. Swimming in Holiday Inn's Rooftop Pool
For 60 bucks, you can gain access to the rooftop pool at this chain hotel on 57th Street and get as close to sex as you can without having it: undress, get all wet, and feel refreshed afterwards.

13. Going on a Scavenger Hunt
Watson Adventures offers adult scavenger hunts, like "Sex and the Village," based on locations from the show and the movie.

14. Taking a Gay & Lesbian History Walking Tour
Big Onion is one of the biggies when it comes to walking tours and on this one you'll "discover the many facets of lesbian and gay history as we trace the development of Greenwich Village. Stops could include: The Stonewall Inn, The Duplex, and sites associated with Bayard Rustin, Willa Cather, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Audre Lorde." Not sex, but sexual-orientation related.

15. Taking a Flying Trapeze Lesson
Flying has got to be better than sex.

16. Going on a CrazyBlindDate
Just don't have sex on it. (See this post for more details.)

17. Answering a Strictly Platonic Ad on Craigslist
Like this one. Or better yet, this one!

18. Kayaking on the Hudson for Free
The boats are very phallic.

19. Taking a Power Nap in a Nap Pod
Paying to take a nap at Yelo is indulgent, relaxing, and ridiculous, just like sex.

20. Becoming a New York Cares Volunteer
Go to their website, create an account, sign up for and then attend an orientation, choose a project (they have hundreds of one-off or repeat events each month), sign up and start volunteering. Their biggest day of the year is New York Cares Day on October 18th. Helping out makes you realize what a non-issue sex really is.

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PETA: Sexy or Sexist?

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/27/08

This week, in response to an opinion piece in the NY Times on the legal rights of apes in which PETA's moves were referred to as boneheaded, the president of PETA wrote a letter to the paper defending its use of provocative sexual imagery in its animal rights campaigns, saying: "Forgive us our bikinis and our shock tactics, but our message that all beings--both human and nonhuman--deserve compassion and respect is one that we must work hard to make heard." It's a line that's easy for people like those over at Feministing to take issue with, when so many of PETA's ads use female sexuality in a way that seems disrespectful and lacking compassion. See their PETA collage for examples.

Now, we're no apologists for PETA, despite Lo's vegetarian status and her constant urging of Em to give up her foie-gras ways. Ever since their lame "Fur trim is unattractive" ad, we've always been wary of PETA making its messages at women's expense (come on, we're all animals, and we're all furry to some extent). HOWEVER, a quick review of their video library (including their banned ads) and we can't deny they've got some really good, sex-related content that's really not that offensive at all! (Well, unless you're a meat eater.) Here are our 5 faves:

1. "Sex Talk" (video above)
This is one damn funny ad. It's a riff on The Talk parents have with their teenage kids about sex. Unless you're a black market back-alley puppy pusher, you can't not love it.

2. "Sex and the Kitty"
Another fun one about what cats do when you're at work. Who knew kitties had O-faces?

3. "Rude Food"
Basically, vegetable porn. Aw, yeah.

4. "Sexy Sausage: Director's Cut"
A play on '70s porno--it uses a ridiculous porn plotline cliché to show how ridiculous it is that we eat crap that makes us impotent. Yes, there's some typical female T&A, but at least it's counterbalanced by the beefcake guy and the closeup on his package!

5. "Milk Gone Wild"
A parody of the Girls Gone Wild videos: instead of boobies, they've got udders. Because when you think about it--or, at least, when Lo thinks about it--it's kind of gross that we drink another species' breast milk. We wish there were a little more exposition in this one, but we didn't think the now-infamous New Yorker cover of the Obamas needed any explanation, so we'll give it to PETA. Yeah, okay, maybe this one could be considered a teeny bit offensive, though we're no fans of GGW and we thought it was funny. However, their follow-up, "Milk Gone Wild 2: At the Car Wash," is pure gratuitous  titillation, and that really is too bad. Yes, we all have our lines.

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Before I Die I Want to... Make a Home Video

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/25/08

This week's bucket list edition goes out to reader Rachel, who really wants to make a home video with her guy. And not the kind of home video that would be viewed at family reunions, we're assuming (not intentionally, anyway). Here's how to do it right...

Top Ten Tips on Making a Home Video

1. Do you absolutely, 100 percent, no exceptions, no maybes, trust your guy not to screen the home video for his buddies during guys' night in? If the answer is no, then there's no need for you to read on, because we absolutely, 100 percent, no exceptions, no maybes, forbid you to make a sex tape with this guy.

2. Okay, so maybe you trust him, but shit happens, ya know? Visiting aunts go nosing around your basement, tapes get mislabeled and popped into the VCR at the wrong time. Plus, unexpected heartbreak can do funny things to a person's sense of right and wrong. So, just to be safe, why not insist on holding onto the only copy of the tape yourself? Or maybe shoot yourselves just from the neck up--or just from the neck down. If you're really paranoid, you could always erase the tape as soon as you've watched it once together. After all, at least half the fun is in the making when it comes to your amateur porn vid.

3. You don't have to look like a porn star to make a home sex tape, and you certainly don't have to act like one. Also, maybe we're squares, but we think that making extended eye contact with the camera during a sex tape is a bit creepy.

4. Pass the video camera back and forth between you to take it in turns being the demanding director. Think of the camera as a sex toy (just don't try to actually, you know, stick it anywhere).

5. Feeling camera shy? Dim the lights, try candle light, or experiment with your camera's night vision feature. They're all more flattering than bright overhead lights--plus you'll relax more. Also, no need to disrobe completely if you don't want to; sometimes a few well-placed skimpy items of clothing is sexier than nothing at all.

6. Fancy making a themed sex tape? Why not role-play a celebrity sex tape coupling?

7. Never ever ever shoot from below--this is the least-flattering angle known to mankind. Normally we hiss at advice columnists who tell you about sexual positions that flatter your figure (evil incarnate!) but this is a sex tape we're talking about and, let's be honest, we're all vain. That said, no matter what you think of your body now, we guarantee you'll look back on it fondly when you're 80. And if you don't make a sex tape now? You may just look back on it slightly wistfully, too.

8. Be sure to get your partner's permission first (because, duh, it's illegal if you don't).

9. Is the sound of your squeaky mattress making the whole thing feel too slapstick? Then crank the tunes and pretend you're on MTV. (Seriously, have you seen the music videos the kids are making these days? Total soft porn.)

10. And, most importantly of all, have fun! Because a smiley happy sex tape is usually a lot less cringe-inducing to watch than you trying to do your best Jenna Jameson impression.


Don't forget to send us your "before I die" sexual wish at bxxxx@xxxcom.

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Soulmate or Soul-Sucking Booty Call? You Decide.

Soul mate is bull shit, its all about sex

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/28/08

We got such a great response the last time we threw an advice question over to you guys that we decided we should make it a regular occurrence. Our inbox is overflowing and we'll never get to all the lonely hearts, so each week, one reader's fate will be left up to the masses. Answer this reader's question by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

Okay, so I'm a senior in college and he just graduated from the same school. I've seen him around campus for the past four years and have wanted him oh so badly!! I would read the articles he wrote in our school newspaper, and I would smile and say hi whenever I saw him. But I never actually introduced myself or told him how hot he is because I wasn't exactly sure if he was involved (I saw him around her but didn't exactly know the extent because they're weren't around each other that much) and plus I got nervous when he looked at me and couldn't bring myself to say more than hi.

Okay, so that's the backstory to our situation. Finally this spring, we ran into each other at a Med School party and he introduced himself to me!! We danced and talked the whole night before exchanging numbers. I was so happy!! After that night, we had exams so we didn't get to spend so much time together for a couple weeks. He asked what I wanted in a relationship and whether I was ready for one, I told him no because that was the truth at the time. As time progressed we became friends with benefits. ...

The sex is phenomenal and the company is what I've always wanted. It's been almost four months now and I am ready to be with him. Only one problem: the girl I saw now and again with him back in the day was actually his on-and-off girlfriend for the past four years. She wants him back and calls regularly, she even had her mother call him! We discussed everything and the thing is he likes me a lot and I clearly like him but he's not in love with me and he still has feelings for her though he's not sure if that's because of guilt from breaking her heart in the past or from missing what they were in the beginning. He also said that it's the longest relationship he has been in and doesn't think he'd be able to have another long relationship with another person because he is not a good guy and has commitment issues. So he said that he would give her another chance and see where it goes from there just so that he and she can be sure that it is indeed over.

He asked my take on it and I told him I don't want to lose him and want to let our "relationship" continue to grow, seeing that things are already great and we have so much in common, plus we both like each other and aren't exactly ready to settle down for life just yet. I also told him that I want him to be happy and secure with everything so I support his decision to do what he feels is best, even though he thinks that means going back to her for a while. I meant what I said but I want him back. I have admired him from afar for so long that now it really sucks!! I even went to a psychic (which is so not me) and she said he is my soulmate and I must be very patient with him, in due time he will be mine. Do you think it's true? What do you think I should do? We have agreed to continue the friendship. He said he needs me in his life. He loves my sense of humour and cool demeanor and the fact that I'm so easy to talk to: he loves my company. Funny thing is, these are all the qualities I admire about him too and that's why I agreed to be friends. Is this the right thing to do? What's your take?

--Back-Up Girl

What do you think?
What should Back-Up Girl Do?
( polls)

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What's More Personal: Your Financial or Sexual History?

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/29/08

We were just checking out the forthcoming site, Bedposted.com (officially called Bedpost), not least because we wanted to make sure something with such a similar name to ours wasn't about XXX Bed Bath & Beyond porn or something.  And to our relief it looks like Bedposted is going to be a stylish way to track your sexual activity; it loftily aspires to "give you some insight into your sex life" (in the tradition of My Black Book). With a tag line like "It's business time," we have high hopes. (More details on Shake Well Before Use.)

But what we found more interesting than the beta countdown was a line in their privacy policy posted on the homepage: "We understand that this is potentially the most personal of data-sets you will ever keep outside of financial records." Which got us thinking, which is more personal info: the details of your sex life or your bank statements (we're not talking passwords and pins, but income and savings, etc.)? Would you be more offended if someone asked you about your sex life or your finances at a dinner party?

Which information is more personal?
( surveys)

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Gallery of erotic furniture

via Boing Boing Gadgets by John Brownlee on 7/9/08

A gallery of erotic furniture posted by Der Spiegel inexplicably features shots of both my master bedroom and dining room table. I've already sent a letter to the editor: those shots were clearly tagged "Noncommercial Creative Commons" on Flickr.

Erotic Furniture: Furnishing People's List [Spiegel Online via core77]

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Calculust

This is a interesting one

via Daily Bedpost by Dr. Kate on 7/8/08

Sex may be a workout, but is it a truly aerobic one? I was inspired by Em & Lo's post last week wondering just how many calories a sex session can burn. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there's not a lot of research that's been published on the subject, though that hasn't stopped some folks from making precise calculations. My research has revealed the following:

• Kissing: 1-2 calories per minute

• Foreplay: 1-2 calories per minute (makes me wonder what their foreplay consists of...)

• Sex: (generally defined here as intercourse): 2-12 calories per minute. Many estimates say 3-6 calories, and no less an authority than the Kinsey Institute estimates 6 calories per minute.

• Other activities (undressing, masturbation) are frequently discussed, but I can't find a reputable source for these estimates.

• For a more general idea, the Health Status calculator lets you put in your weight and how many minutes you spend on foreplay and intercourse to see how many calories you burned with your guy last night.

• A caveat--the more you weigh, in general the more you can burn.

You may be wondering what about caloric gain during sex? For the sake of completeness, the amount of calories you may take in from your partner's ejaculate is about 5-15. If you're using whipped cream or other treats, though, you'll have to add that up yourself.

So 200 calories at a clip? Possible, but not easy. The bottom line: In order to burn calories, you've really got to get your heart rate up--just feeling your heart race isn't enough. As the Little Book of Calorie Burning advises, think movement, think different positions, think energy, and think passion.

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News to Us: Turns Out We Love a Man in a Cardigan

He is a cuty

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/7/08

Photo via Splash

Yesterday, at the Wimbledon Men's Final, Roger Federer may have lost, but as far as fashion goes, he's a winner in our book. Before that, button-up sweaters were all about Mr. Rogers and drooling old men in retirement homes. Now whenever we see a cardigan, we're going to start drooling.

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For the Love of Blog: 07.03.08

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/3/08

A weekly round-up of our own favorite sex-related musings on the Web:

• We heart College Humor for this awesome realistic Hollywood sex scene.

• The Frisky presents the Most Awesomely Douchey Phone Message Ever.

• Bonnie Smolins of American Sexuality hangs five with Perez Hilton and the entire cast of Another Gay Sequel.

• On Breakup Girl, Paul the Intern tries to get a little closure.

• Babeland warms the cockles of our hearts by talking about butt toys for straight guys.

• I Do Sugar introduces us to a whole new way of having "something blue."

• On Nerve.com, Kate Carraway is saving herself for her husband. In a round-the-back sorta way.

• Also on College Humor, find out what happened when Rick Springfield unveiled his song "Jessie's Girl" to his best friend Jessie.

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Sex Sells, Sometimes

check out the video

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/3/08

You may recall from a recent blog roundup of ours, that Heinz Deli Mayo had a funny television commercial running in the U.K. It featured a tough, macho, N.Y. deli guy in the kitchen making sandwiches for the Brit kids and Dad before they headed out for the day, and ended with the Dad and deli guy giving each other a quick kiss goodbye. But a mere 200 complaints about it being "offensive" and "inappropriate" got it pulled.

Do these poo-poo-ers really think any young person watching this could be turned gay? It's not exactly hot; we mean, there's no tongue or anything. In fact, it's almost kind of sweet. A commercial like that might turn kids tolerant, but gay? No way. In fact, what's offensive about it is simply the automatic assumption that the mom would be the one in the kitchen doing the cooking. Well, at least you can enjoy the ad here or above. And maybe support Heinz by buying some for your barbecue tomorrow.

Planet Green's got a funny commercial with a bit of tasteful nudity to bring awareness to environmental issues and bring viewers to the new television network.

Mega-Bang takes all those penis enhancing products one step further with a parody supplement that'll make your johnson spin. Nice use of the '70s porn aesthetic and the "bullshit Amazonian origins of its "herbs."

And here are just a few oldie-but-goodie commercials that use sex to sell, but not in the typical cheap T&A beer-y way:

Purex has a dirty commercial about making things really clean.

Fiat makes a good case for getting your first car.

Nomad mobile phones wants you to think before committing.

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CrazyBlindDate.com, Dating's Russian Roulette

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/2/08

CrazyBlindDate is a fairly new dating site, active in seven cities right now (New York, L.A., Boston, D.C., San Francisco, Chicago and Austin), that lets you set up blind dates very last minute (like for tonight). There are no profiles, no photos--hence the "crazy." Their target market is "really fun, adventurous and spontaneous people...who are trying to get out of a dating rut or just want some kind of 'crazy' night out." We were skeptical (even though we kinda recommended it a few months ago). So we sent some impertinent questions to founder Sam Yagan, the guy behind behind SparkNotes.com, TheSpark.com and OkCupid.com:

Blind dates are notoriously consistently bad. Why the hell would anyone want to do this?

Simply put: most singles don't go on as many dates as they would like. CrazyBlindDate.com offers singles the opportunity to go on a date by doing a minimal amount of work, and unlike blind dates set up by a friend, you'll probably never run into your date again.

One of your frequently asked questions (in the form of a  statement)  is "I want sex on short notice..."--we would think the percentage of members explicitly hoping for sex out of the date in their date request is pretty high. What is it?

It's very, very low--so low that I've never bothered to count. If you want sex on short notice, there are plenty of other sites that get you what you're looking for.

Since there's no exchange of pics or any communication prior, we'd guess CrazyBlindDate would attract those who can't get a date with typical online dating, because they're socially inept or, to be frank, a bit hard on the eyes. Is that true, and if so, how can you ensure a potential user that you won't set them up with a psycho supernerd who's a 35-year-old virgin with bad hair and a goiter?...

Ah, quite the contrary. CrazyBlindDate.com tends to appeal to the more adventurous & outgoing--your typical supernerd is going to be horrified by the prospect of meeting a stranger! We do extensive rating of our users on both physical and personality axes, so we're often able to match more attractive people with other attractive people. Here are some stats from a survey of the first 1,000 dates:

Did you feel a romantic connection with any of your CrazyBlindDates?
- Yes/Somewhat: 37.9 percent

Have you spoken to friends on the phone or in person about your CrazyBlindDate?
- Yes: 86.5 percent

Which of the following best describes your opinion of CrazyBlindDate?
- Top 2 on a 5 point scale: 85.2 percent

We understand it's a new site and you probably don't have many success stories, but on the Successes page you just have people's names paired up. WTF? Where are the stories, the graphic details, the juicy bits?

Here are some testimonials:
- We had a great time! We could definitely be great friends. There was not much of a physical connection. I have to say I have never felt so unflitered with anyone else on a first date. We had so much to talk about because we knew literally nothing about each other.
- I am currently dating someone I met through CBD.
- I have met a couple of really great guys that I will hang out with again. I primarily wanted to do this to meet new people and expand my horizons so mission accomplished.
- I met a really cool, fun guy and now we're really good friends!
- I had a SUPER romantic kiss with one of my dates at the Bart station
- I had a great conversation with an interesting person. Nothing came of it romantically, but it was still a fun way to spend a Friday night!
- My VERY picky/selective friend had a fantastic date her first time with CBD. I think it's because she couldn't actually pre-screen and therefore gave a great guy a chance who she would have otherwise passed over (if he had an online profile or something that she could have learned about him from).
- Jokingly, I challenged my prospective date to Google everything they could about cranberry bogging. My first blind date showed up with a bag of cranberries.
- The very first CBD lasted for about 5 hours of talking and getting to know the other. We are still dating.

You must get some pretty funny horror stories. Obviously it's bad for biz to post those, but could you please please please share one with us? Pretty please?

Here's a bunch:
- My date took two Viagra while we were out (even after I told him I wasn't going home with him).
- One guy called his bank for 20 minutes on our date.
- The guy said that he would get the beers. (We each had one). He ordered chicken wings, knowing that I am vegetarian, and then he told the waitress to split the check in half.
- Text messaged me the following, two minutes before the date: "Sorry, death in the family, can't make it! Call me!"
- My date described himself as Matt Damon. He looked like a bloated Bill Gates.
- The crab fisherman who missed our date cuz he was out at sea. I am pretty sure he was not kidding.
- Girl showed up in workout clothes, and waited until the end to say she's not looking for anything serious...and never wants to see me again.
- On my first date I texted ahead that I was wearing a white cardigan. AJ & I met up and he said, "I'm glad I found you, I didn't know what you meant about a white cardimon." I said, "Cardigan. I'm wearing a white cardigan." He said, "Yeah, I had no idea what that was." I said, "It's a sweater." He said, "I don't know much about women's fashion." That really set the tone for everything we talked about. EVERYTHING.

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One Woman's Trash Is Another Woman's Treasure?

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 7/1/08

ExBoyfriendJewelry.com is where the broken-hearted go to dump those sparkly yet painful reminders of love lost. Whether or not you're in the market for a new watch or pendant, it's worth a visit just for the stories that accompany each item (what's known as "the scoop" on the site). There's the expected funny-bitter stuff like, "The ring is beautiful, the man sucked!" but it's the surprisingly sad tales that really get you. One woman's boyfriend gave her a ring he charged to HER account while he was cheating on her with his own cousin ("true!"). Another's crack-addicted husband spent their 3-day-old baby's cash gift from the grandparents, so she split with the guy and is selling all his stuff just to make ends meet. One woman's story ends, "I ran away after he hit me again."

Man. It feels almost like a public service to buy some jewelry off the site just to help out your fellow woman. But certainly some users have figured that the sadder the story, the more likely the sale...? A bit cynical, we know. At least you get something shiny out of it that you can call my Precious. Just don't give it to your partner as a token of your affection. Like our intern Joanna said, that would surely carry bad relationship karma.

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Christen Clifford's BabyLove

Sad but true

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 6/24/08

Photo: Kristin Hoebermann

Before Christen Clifford started talking dirty about her parents' sex life, she was getting everyone's knickers in a twist by talking dirty about being a parent. Yeah, she said "mother" and "sex" in the same sentence. Call the family values brigade! Her show BabyLove is currently Off-Broaday; it's showing Tuesdays and Sundays at 45 Bleecker until July 27. If you're outside NYC, you can catch her musings on the topic at her blog, where she took part in Babeland's Sexy Mama Blog project.

Em & Lo: So tell us about your show...

Christen Clifford: BabyLove is a solo comedy about maternal sexuality: everything from trying to conceive to masturbating while breastfeeding; from the humiliations of postpartum sex to the eroticism of parenthood.

What made you want to write about this topic?

After I had my son Felix, I was confused about my body, my relationship with my husband, and the intimacy I shared with my newborn son. My sexuality was so changed by motherhood. I'm a reader and writer, so I turned to books and didn't find women's sexual experience addressed to my satisfaction.

Why do you think people get so het up about motherhood and sexuality in the same sentence?

Power. The power of procreation and the power of sexuality combined is a pretty strong bomb. Maybe that's why I love being pregnant so much...because I feel truly strong and powerful and creative. I also think that our society is so sexually permissive in so many ways, but still so Puritan. Breasts can be seen on billboards but not in an advertisement for breastfeeding. That's what they are for!

Has the reaction to the show changed now that you're Off-Broadway--are your audiences more easily shocked now than your early downtown-NYC audiences?

I do get more conservative audiences who are shocked by how explicit the show is--but it's not explicitness for its own sake, it's explicit in an attempt to portray sexuality honestly. I do my best to win them over and I usually succeed. I try to set myself up as the extreme example that I hope most people can find a sliver of their own experience in. And everything I talk about in this show is true, and I think audiences, no matter what their background, relate to someone telling the truth.

What's been the most negative reaction to this show?

The most negative reaction was actually when it was published on Nerve.com, some readers wrote in that I should have my son taken away from me, that Protective Services should be called, that my husband should divorce me and get full custody...it was very scary and hurtful and I didn't sleep for days...because I wrote about the intimate physical relationship with my son.

But I get so many more people who say things like, "Thank you for telling it like it is! " or "Now I don't feel so alone and crazy anymore." One woman wrote to me and said that she and husband stayed up all night talking after seeing the show, that they were finally able to talk about how becoming parents had affected their sex life after seeing BabyLove. And they were able to laugh at me and therefore at themselves--I was so moved by this, it really made me feel like I was doing good in the world!

Can you share the story about getting interrupted by the FedEx guy while masturbating...

 Let's just say it proved to me that motherhood and sex didn't go together. [Ed: You can get the unabridged version here.]

 So...what was that you were saying about the eroticism of breastfeeding...

Well, this amazing little being came out of my body and was now eating my body. The fat from my thighs was literally transferring to his thighs. Breastfeeding was the most physically intimate experience I ever had. Plus, it's physics--that small mouth has a lot of suction! It's pleasurable; there is a biological imperative for us to keep the species going.

You say that you found your first pregnancy a super-sexy experience but afterward struggled a bit...so what's the secret to sex after kids?

Oh God, I don't have any answers, it's different for everyone.  Humor. Time. Marriage counseling. Scheduled sex.  Talking. I'm doing my best to not sweat the small stuff, as they say--which is particularly hard when I'm clearly right about everything all the time.

You're pregnant again, right? Has it been the same with this pregnancy? Or is pregnant sex not quite the same when you've already got one kid around?

Yes, I'm in my second trimester (the horny trimester!) and we're putting our son to bed later so we can have alone time in the morning. I'm one of those women who loves being pregnant. The hormones agree with me, I love my changed body, the bigger breasts, all that extra blood flowing. I feel very womanly. And there's a sense of my sexuality being respected and socially sanctioned, which is a strange feeling...it's kind of like having a big hickey that everybody's okay with.

For more information, visit BabyLovethePlay.com.

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College Confessional: Growing Up With a Feminist Father

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 6/17/08

With Father's Day this past Sunday, our intern Ariel Servadio talks about how cool dads don't freak when you work here:

When I was little, my father read me a book from his childhood, Friday the Arapaho Indian by A.M. Anderson. I heard the "true story" of a young Native American girl named Friday and her historical adventures. But if you've ever read Anderson's book, you'll know what I discovered when I was much older and my dad confessed the truth: Friday the Indian was a boy.

As a sleepy child, I heard the story of a powerful and adventurous young woman doing extraordinary things--and I believed it. As my father painstakingly changed pronouns and altered sex-related details while reading to me every night before bed, he planted the seed of limitless possibilities in my brain. It wasn't until I was nine years old that that idea was challenged: It was the end of third grade and the elementary-school music teacher was preparing our class for joining the school band the next year. When we were asked what instruments we would like to play, I raised my hand and said I wanted to play the bass guitar. "No," the music teacher replied, "I need big, strong boys to play the guitar next year." So I got stuck playing the alto saxophone. At least it wasn't the flute, I guess...

This idea of boys being big and strong and able to do things that girls couldn't was new to me. Both my parents took a proactive role in teaching me I was capable of anything and everything, but my dad went above and beyond what was usually expected of a father-daughter relationship. He taught me skills that many would reserve for only a son: I know how to fire a gun, drive a dirt bike, skin an animal, clean a fish, rappel down a tree, fight with martial arts and defensive tactics--the list goes on. He bought me just as many chemistry sets and microscopes and sports supplies as he did Easy-Bake Ovens. He wasn't afraid to talk to me about sex or the processes of the female reproductive system, either.

I distinctly remember being about four when I watched my first informative video about the birds and the bees--a cartoon featuring a man and woman with squiggly-drawn genitalia. My mother says that was all my father's idea. And when I got my first period at 11 years old, my mother was in the hospital busy having my little brother, so I had to go home and tell my father what had happened to me in school that day. For many of my peers it would no doubt have been a traumatic event, yet for me it was completely comfortable and natural to talk about it with my dad. Because he never made sex ed weird, or made me feel ashamed about going through puberty, I think I've always had a healthy outlook on sex--one that's made me curious and confident and responsible (and, needless to say, brave enough to intern at a sex blog).

I grew up thinking that the world was my oyster, thanks in particular to my father. I don't think he would actually ever describe himself as a feminist--I've rarely heard him use the word. But I know that he is, because I am.

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Sex and Shopping

via Daily Bedpost by Em & Lo on 6/17/08

A recent survey in the U.K. claims to have found that women think about shopping almost as much as men think about sex--every 60 seconds and every 52 seconds, respectively. Of course, this survey was conducted by Cosmopolitan.co.uk, so it's not exactly hard science (and we're guessing that Cosmo's readers like to shop more than your average gal...how many urbane tomboys are browsing that particular site?). We'd like to think that the female readers of our site are a little more balanced in their tastes. We're crossing our fingers that you prove us right...

Ladies, which do you think about more: sex or shopping?
( polls)

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From ElasticWaist.com: Food Porn is Exactly Like Doing It Porn

via Daily Bedpost by elasticwaist.com on 6/18/08

You've seen the word "porn" dropped in as a descriptive suffix before, right? Anything that lovingly, devotedly, lavishly, and sensually captures a particular concept, or hobby, or thing, gets dubbed thing-porn. HGTV is all about the decorating porn, and TLC is all about the life porn (a show about midgets! a show about weddings! a show about babies! a show about midgets who get married and have 34 babies!), and the Food Network I'm sure you have heard described casually as "food porn."

According to this classic Harper's article, the connection doesn't seem entirely as casual or coincidental, as clever a throwaway descriptor, as we'd think:

more at ElasticWaist.com>>

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